Twelve Years

"Time of death, 2:50"

That memory was pulling me down hard last night. I felt myself walking down the hall. I could see the nurse. I could feel the panic. I felt myself falling so deep into the memory that I was sure today would be too hard to get through.

But today, I'm forcing myself to live in other memories. I'm remembering all of the amazing people who sat in that room with me the night before, supporting me in my pain as they dealt with their own. We may not all talk every day anymore, but Alicia, Denise, Norma, and the others who were there: you cannot know how important that night was for me.

I remember my brother-in-law Hector and the group of friends that met me and my husband at my moms house when we finally left the hospital and helped us move out of my childhood home through laughter and tears.

I'm remembering my aunt Joann giving me hugs that I thought would suffocate me, but gave us both the strength to move forward.

I remember my mother in law moving mountains to be sure that I kept my sanity (and stayed out of jail) the weeks following this day.

I'm remembering the way Jocelyn and John stepped up and still love and hold me up through all the good and the bad.

I'm remembering the moment Scott told me that instead of living in my grief and thinking of all the time that had been lost, I should be thankful for the amazing relationship and years I had with her.

I'm thinking of all the people who have seen what an amazing person my mom was, even without having known her, because they know us.

I'm thinking of all the memories my husband Jesse and I have made together, the children, the life. The things that would make my mom smile.

I'm so thankful for each and every one of you. I didn't mention everyone, because it's impossible to do here. From the smallest comment of "You look like your mom in this picture" to the people who text me on this day because they remember... You have all lifted me through these last 12 years. And I am deciding to live in those memories today, and to move forward and make more.